Desperation

“Desperation is the raw material of drastic change. Only those who can leave behind everything they have ever believed in can hope to escape. ”– William S. Burroughs.

This quote struck me last night as a summary for my current state of being. Life strips away layers of yourself, which no longer are vital: relationships, careers, viewpoints, etc. Though, initially these events may be perceived as fortunes, each actually contains a silver lining within them. Something that was once everything, is not longer present, and although this may influence grief at first, it kickstarts progression hastily.

During the spring of 2015, my girlfriend at the time cut the cords with me. By any means, it wasn’t a smooth ending. After all of the repercussions, admittedly, I descended into a perpetual lament. Life sucked.  However, overtime my depression and lack of will began to dissipate, and a sense of audacity arose within me. I had nothing to lose–that relationship was everything at the time–and this desperate mindset was the key to my drastic change.My transformation consisted of: improving myself, taking risks, failing, increasing confidence. Repeat the cycle.

Another one of my safe havens just crumbled to the ground, and I am standing in the debris, jobless with uncertainty. Although this job may not have been the love of my life, I am left with no income and my savings are dwindling. I am desperate, once again.

However, this go-around is comparatively different: My days of grief are not as strenuous, and my will is much more intact, because of my previous struggles. Furthermore, the second half of this quote emphasizes abandoning all that one has ever believed in. In my previous struggle, I believed wholeheartedly in a person. This time, I believed in an ideology for making a living–working a corporate job. In order for my life to drastically change for the better, I not only need to discover unconventional ideas to earn income, but also to have faith in them. With that, let’s start planning the escape.

 

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